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is it jus me?

so, like, all my life I've found attractions in many men! Men have came n gone.. I've fell in love a few times and I fell out! I've had many sexual encounters and leasst to say I'm pretty experienced in that field.. I'm not a whore, jus experienced! This past summer I've found so many joys in the single life & how freedom suited me well. But here I am a married woman, yess I said married! I've been married for 3 years now. I'm an old fashion girl and stuck to my old fashion ways somewhat.. But now I feel all grown up. All stupidity has surpassed and have come to the understanding point of life that I wished I reach in my younger years. Sometimes I wish I reached it before I got married! I'm laying here and the smell of my husband annoys me, his laugh/sense of humor, the way he lays away from me at night and how we sleep with separate blankets now! I face the wall most of the time and before we both drift off to sleep he'll reach his hand into my blanket and squeeze my shoulder, what that suppose to signify, I don't know, its beyond me! I'm wishing he'd touch my body and kiss my neck but there he lays, quitely and then comes the snore! That when I know its too late for me to nudge him & let him know I'm feelin aroused! wtf? So there I go, hand solo, in the dark, feeling like maniac! The small death consumes me and there I am, off to sleep! As I wake in the morning, someone knocks at the door, and no I'm not greeted with a good morning or hello.. But a hard sharp nudge to my rib cage! "wake up someones knockin at the door".. hating him, I open the door & its my sister.. relunctantly I lay bakk in bed and the only source of intercourse he wants is cuz of his morning wood!
so in otherwards my life is like a cycle.. a reruns of previous chapters.. you read a paragraph in a book over and over again because you don't understand it, welll.... that's the pattern of my life.. gimme sum feed bakk if u will! ...

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school school school..

so its been 6 years since I've been in sumwat of a class room setting!! man the intimidation and failure is at hand but I'm willin to take my chances! I've been screwin of for the past 6yrs or so. mostly drinkin, that's my weapon of choice. also been procratinatin and trying to prove everyone right about me becomin a loser! I pretty much got that down so now I'm jus workin on provin them wrong.. lol.. so yea I started at Apollo college on the 15th. got pell grant to help me wit 2000 bones. then got 2 loans to help me with the remaining balance of 11,000 dollhairz! AND FUCK IS DIS SKOOL EXPENSIVE! I guess its a good thing that way I know I CAN'T FUCK UP! my future hard earened money is goin to be payin fer it! so its all good. other than that life grand n swell. can't bitch & moan, somebody always has it worse. I think I surpassed that whole selfish stage of " OH, BOO HOO, LOOK AT ME, I'M SO HELPLESS I GOTTA WRITE A BLOG ABOUT IT N LET DA LORLD KNOW I'M DEPRESSED & AT DA EDGE OF LIFE"... GUESS I CALL THIS STAGE OF MY LIFE, "GROWING UP AND GRABBIN IT BY THE BALLS".. DUNNO WAT "IT" EXACTLY METAPHORES BUT I'M JUST GRABBIN IT! HAHAHA.. SO YEA, FEED BAKK OR SOMETHIN WUD DO ME GOOD! OH YEA TOO, I FINISH MY SKOOLAGE IN DECEMBER N START MY EXTERN... WISH ME LUCK! AND HAPPY BELATED ST. PATTYZ DAY! :)

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hahahha....refering to dirves a pins journal...i too havent updated shit in my lj in 15weeks...hahaha...sucks cuz ive been internetless for quite a while..i did have internet in flag but it was some sucky fife wifi...and it always kept shutting down on me...So im lucky to have braodband here in albuquerque...Due to my sisters high rollerness! hahaha...Fucken this chick works like an animal... She has like the most coolest apartment...If I didnt know better Id prolly be throwing down some crazy parties here....hahahhaa...jk Danette....So yea, the story goes, I was in flag with my husband..."The major alcoholic whos a full time asshole"! ughh...do i need to go into that? yes i do...hahaha...only place i can pour my feelings freely without someone giving me a wierd look...hahahah...So yes, I went back with my husband sometime 6 months ago...After me and my sister got into this uncalled for, idiotic bitch fight...hahaha...it was over some stupid phone and i got drunk, and things went out of hand...ended up taking a one way ticket out of albuquerque and booked it back to flag...moved back in with my husband after staying with a few friends got super  fucking unbearable...fuck!  what a shitty choice that was...\
So yes,meandlorenzo gonniemet in a bar out in the sticks of holbrook arizona...the pick up line her used on me was, "whats a bar like you doing in a girl like this"!!!  what the fuck kindo loser falls for a cheezy line like that...so yea...we went out for a good 2 years...partying, druggin, thuggin...lol..So yea...I knew he was the one after he went down on me for the first time...hahaha...I knew it in the way he use his fingers in places I didnt think fingers would possibly go! hahaa...os yea...we got married on our 3rd year together...Just walked into a border town justice of the piece, did the deed, signed the papers...Many people asked why i married such an asshole...Well I married him for alot reasons...1. cuz he wasn't clingy and let me do my own thing 2. he worked alot and i worked alot, so it worked out for both of our schedules, at the time 3. wasn't jealous 4. got me tampons for the grocery store when i needed em 5. he was a good 9 inches! hahahaha....No seriously...we were going good until our drinking went a little out of control...we both seen the worst sides of each other...I seen all the flaws on him...It just became some ugly story I created...well, i decided to move out last year and moved in with my sister...Things went well...and like i said, we had a fall out..but now we said our sorrys and things are back to normal...So here I am...Living in albuquerque again...My mom sold me her car...A barney ford escort...hahaha..but im not hating...it gets me from a to b...cant hate on that game!
well, ill continue the saga when i get back, im taking off to walmart to getmy nephew some mega blocks and roam duke city...jahahhaa...oh yea,i watched, "I LOVE YOU MAN"!  that movie was the shit...and my arm is burning...wtf???  wheres the icy hot!???
fuck!
till pigs fly,
danelle

youth.


All the while, I've emaciated my youth...

No one to blame, No one to empute...

All but I.

I destroyed my time, whilst condeming others for my blunder and improprirties...

I am my own facist of the war inside my brain...

I am my own prisonbehind the bars of my mentality...

I slithe unto myself...

So now, I beg of you, my kinsman, to condone my selfish acts of denunciation...

I now unbind you all of my fabrication and futility...

You no longer deserve my burdens...

For I am capable of conveying my own viability...

I am I.

I am my own.

I contrite to my family.

Sincerely.

WHO YOU VOTING FOR AND WHY???

I DONT KNOW ABOUT VOTING...IM SORTA BIAS IN THAT DEPARTMENT...DOES IT MEAN I SHOULD JUST FORGET IT AND SAY FUCK YOU TO ALL POLITIC(IAN)S???...  I DUNNO!!  I DONT FIND A REASON BEHIND ALL OF IT...WERE ALL FUCKED ANYWAY!!!  WORLD WAR 3 IS GONNA UPBURST ANYTIME SOON SO MIGHT AS WELLALL BECOME ANARCHISTS AND DRINK AS MUCH BEER AS POSSIBLE...
I MAYBE NAIVE BUT IT IS ALL TRUE...BOTH REAP OF FALSEHOOD WHEN THEY OPEN THIER MOUTHS...EVERYTHING SOUNDS LIKE WHAT EVERY OTHER POLITICIAN HAS PREACHED BEFORE...WHAT MAKES THEM ANY DIFFERENT???..

ITS ALL A LONG STORY.

=(

The Champagne of All Drugs.

I know I haven't been a loyal poster...but god so much has happened to me in the past few months...life itself has been on a bumpy ass road for me...but nowadays I'm just the typical flagstaff resident trying to get by with rent, utilities, trying to finish a book every week, making a budget list...OMG...thats one thing i hate....BUDGET!  i swear to god that word has been in my family since the dawn of time...Its like we can never catch a break and just spend freely...its like the economy is so fucked up that we are getting under paid and the cost of living is still rising...Which is why I don't want kids...hahahah...but seriously...Im so sick of budgeting...I just wish I could spend my cash on anything I want...like last week I went on over to the Arizona Music Pro and seen this kick ass les paul guitar...omg...i had the money right then and there but the thought of bills came to mind...I walked out of the guitar shop so dissapointed...Then add insult to injury, I smell a pleasant aroma from Fratelli's Pizza...Im like what the fuck!!!  I was so tempted to go in there and get me a slice...but the utility bill was due that evening...I felt like telling my roomate that I was gonna be 10 bucks short...but nahhhh!!!  I felt irresponsible again...As I walked pass the tatoo parlor i looked at myself in the reflection and took a deep breath...I was so angry...I work so hard all week, putting in my 40 hours plus, but still my paycheck came out shitty... I felt as if I was going to have a anxiety attack...Made me think of my comfort I found in narcotics and the crazy life I use to live...NO MONEY!!!  Looking through the reflection I could see through myself and all the trangressions painted on my body...As i came back to my senses a guy from the inside knocked on the window and waved at me....
Imbarrested I turned my attention to the poster on the window and walked away...
So here's the story...
I left Albuquerque for a number of reasons last month...I mean I really did honest to god love it there...The weather was just right, I loved the schooling system, traffic was not as bad as AZ, none of my crazy friends we around pestering me about partys, and finding work was not such a hassle...I mean it was the opinomy of a homely town and a great living...I was so comfortable there...but I was living with my sister...which made me feel really uneasy...Im a type of person who loves to be alone and live under her own rules...Im pretty much everyone feels that way...but my sister took my in last april...Around that time she was living in Winslow, Az. in a 2 bedroom apartment...
Recently, I was going through some tough times with the husband...We were fighting uncontrollably...Drinking like fuck-tards...Using coke up the ass....Cheating on one another...
Its nothing like a married couple should be....
At the beginning of the marriage everything was great...Really great...People congratulated us... Everyone loved the company of us in their home and told us to be good to each other... They really loved the fact that we conjoined lives...I mean I loved him so much ...I'd miss him if he was gone from the room for 1 minute...
but seriously...he was my match!  I thought I found true love and was so happy...
We drank, went to bars, played pool, held hands where ever we went, we were unseperable...
After a few months of being married we moved to flagstaff and got an apartment...Things were at its peak..I couldnt be any happier...
I worked and he worked..
Me working fast food and making chump change, we just used my money on grocerys and miscellaneous...
And he was an Iron worker...made well over 18 bucks an hour...
he took care of the rent and all major bills...things were awesome..
So i meet this really cool chick...I mean I loved her company and we would hang out alot...
..She was a co-worker of mine......So i had to have her meet the old man...
So I introduced them...They hit it off...
After that we always partied with her...After a few months it was like she was over at our place 24/7...Which was no problem to me...I loved her around...
One day she ask us if we were down with doing any crack...I hesitantly told her "no"...and she was like, "cool, im just wondering cuz i just thought you guys want to experiment"...
A few times she came over she always lined herself up with her goodies...I always watched and curious!
One day me and my husband looked at each other as she was lining her self up we asked if we could try...
So we did! We's snort up and had a great time...
The high was fucking beautiful...I never felt nothing like it before...I was like a shooting orgasm throughout my whole body...I nearly fell to the ground from the way it felt...I knew I was hooked from that moment foward...
Slowly it seemed that our partying was going out of control...
At first we would buy an 18 pack of brew and a pack of smokes...and we'd be good...just cold chill it and let the good times roll...
but now, things were getting crazy...we were buying a gallon of vodka and a 30 pack everyday...getting shit faced out of our minds...
doing 8- balls of coke to the point I couldn't think straight if I didn't have it...My body would start convulsing if I didn't have my fix after my previous high wore off...
Then doing flame-throwers of heroin/coke...The pipe was my best friend...Somedays I'd miss work and cruise all day trying to find a slanger...
I started spending my whole paycheck on crack/heroin...All I thought was "where am i gonna get my fix"?, all I dreamt was coke/heroin!
Slowly i noticed my husband and I were growing apart...It's as if he got caught up in the mix and I couldnt find him...It felt like i was in a mirror maze trying to find him but I kept bumping into my own reflection...ME! ME! ME!
I started going out down town with my girlfriend...
One day a guy comes up to and starts flirting with me...From there I took it to different limits...Bored of my husband and of course SEX was non-existent in our lives...it was as if I was no longer attracted to him...
When we'd go out I'd always find my eyes wondering...
Then soon, I was waking up in a whole different bedroom than my own...I'd wake up looking at the ceiling and biting hard on my wedding ban...A tear would fall from time to time but it was nothing "snow" couldn't fix...
I started noticing my husband coming home with hickies all over his neck...I'd stare at him as he tried to avoid me...He go into the bedroom and the stench of crack would be roaming through the house....seeping from under the bedroom door the music would be blaring...I remember one particular song that stood out in those times was, "Pixies-Gouge Away"....It was set on repeat all the time...While in a trance and seeing bright lights everywhere I'd always be sitting on the couch...During those times I didn't know what I wanted...I sat there listening to music as my husband locked himself in the bedroom...Bored, I would walk out the house and go back down town....Its like my comfort was downtown...The center of lust, sex, MY FIX!  I was really messed up...
That night I was on a quest to find a man for the night and a free drink when all of a sudden the urge went away...As I walked home a yanked at my hair and scratching my arms...Feeling so disgusted and dirty I let out a loud scream and began sobbing by a funeral home...as I sat on a bench of the funeral home I open my can of beer...Sat there and just wondered how I got so low and cheap! 
My mouth dry from the pipe I cleared out earlier smelt of rotten saliva...My skin cracky and sores growing on my forearms I picked at them...
My mind racing a thousand miles per hour I threw my beer can to the floor and ran home...
Still feeling the high I ran through the house yelling my husbands name...No answer...
Again, I felt alone and the house started to cave in on me...I ran to my husbands room and there he was...lying in the bed with my friend...
My head racing I ran to the kitchen grabbed a butcher knife and ran to the bedroom...from there it went blank...its like a blind fold was set over me...i could here the commotion but i could see nothing...
The next morning I woke up...blood on my hands...I began to panic...I rose from the bed to go to the restroom but i fell straight to the floor...i felt my knees buckle below me..As I tried to stand up again my arms wobbled and again my face hit the floor...I studied my arms that were cover in blood and found that my wrists we cut...I was weak from the lost of blood...I finally recollected myself and yanked myself on to the bed and saw my husband laying there...As I looked at him the image of my best friend on top of him stung my brain...
Again i fell to the floor...

It was a monday when i woke up...My suicide attempt happened on a friday...I sat on the hospital bed...thinking about my next fix...pestering the docs when I was going to be released...they told me I was going to be there until friday to get me rehydrated...
inside my head I was screaming...."NOOOO, IM GOING TO DIE, I NEED MY PIPE"!!!   

When the docs left the room I sat up and seen my bag of clothes sitting on a table across from me...I got up, my feet wobblin beneath me, I grabbed my hand bag...I looked through it and found my pipe but it was scrape to a pope...Nothing in it i lit my lighter to it...no drug sweated from it...In anger i threw my pipe to the floor and watched it break into a million pieces...In came a doctor startled...looked at the ground and called the cops...
I don't know what happened to me...all I know was I felt lightening bolts running through my back, legs, head...and I couldnt bare it any longer...I need it inside me...I needed it in my head...
I knew I was going under...

SNOW...

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  *                    *                  *                       *                         *                       *

      *                     *                  *                      *                            *                      *

 

OH HOW I MISS THE FALLING SNOW...

MOTHER EARTH BRING OUR WINTER SOON. 

JUST A WHILE LONGER!

COMING FROM ARIZONA...LEAVING ALL HARD TIMES BEHIND...

TRYING TO CIRCUMFRATE A NEW LIFE..

A NEW LOT...

SEARCHING FOR OUR TREASURE...

TRYING TO FOLLOW EACH STEP ON THE MAP...

SOMETIMES WE MAKE  WRONG TURNS..

BUT ALWAYS PENDULATES IN THE END...

LIVING ON THE EDGE OF LIFE...

WE THEIVE OUR NEXT MEAL...

GUILT BUILDING UP INSIDE...

BUT NO OTHER  WAY TO SURVIVE...

MY EXCUSE TO MY DISHONESTY IS THAT IM APART OF THIS SICK WORLD..

NATIVE AMERICA...WHERE WE ARE MADE TO PAY TAXES...

TAXES TO KILL IN CAMBODIA, IRAQ AND DIFFERENT CORNERS OF THE WORLD...

BUT TRUTHFULLY AND MORALLY...

I AM INCOORECT...

NEW MEXICO..
MY NEW HOME???
NEW LIFE??
BRING ME ANSWERS IN THE SUN...
SHED LCK UPON ME...

A LITTLE MORE TIME I VANCANT MYSELF IN OTHERS HOMES...
PLEASE BRING ME MY OWN...

THE FREE FALL.

Never follow me for I'm lost.
Broken is the winds of the suns lust.
But why am I here? Does not my
body rack with fear. Did not I see the
danger clear.

Once I was a man with great power.
I told my people that only blood
can make the clouds shower. Oh the art
Of true evil is only meant to
entertain... Never could you beat
A demon at its game...

Knowledge and reason is what I tried to hide
a leader was I. But crazed was my
mind. Abused, molested, Then I watched
them all die. My Photographic memory
Was my mental demise.

A deal with a monster was the foundations
Of my rise. I visualized, monopolized,
Terrorized, Until everything was mines
Hunting for ghost only revenge could
revitalized.

I fall in the end after a war with out reason
so many dead men. So many babies
screaming...Hell I was bringing but the world
couldn't believe it. Jesus was on trial and
I knew his secret.

Banished now is my soul from heaven and
hell.Haunting the the endless limits
of the universe's jail. The demons game
I all but failed.Never a change
Always despair.....

Writer's Block: On Your Tombstone

What do you want written on your gravestone and why?
 Woo Wee...Now this is a good entry subject...Itd prolly be something stupid!!!

Something like this...

"here lies the shriveled corpse of Danelle Lee, Born during the New Wave 84 era and lasted through the EMO KID ERA of 2008....Who prolly misses twinkies and definately loved ones...She is one whole will definatly miss her "MEN IN TIN" (beers) and her occasional acid flashbacks which cause her to write fucked up poetry....May she rust in peace"!!...

HA!!!!  my grave stone will prolly be pretty big to fit all that on there...hahaha...but that  sounds more like a eulogy...hmmpphh!!!

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